| Noivian journal entry for Day 12 | |
| Subject: | Farewell |
| Location: | Space Station Zeta |
| Discoveries: | |
| Galaxy: | Euclid |
| Region(s): | Dejangput Void |
| Star system(s): | Zeta |
| Planet(s): | Zeta-Quarto. Zeta-Quintus |
Entry
Three million each.
That's how much units we had raked in after multiple trips to the moon Dogkind. It quickly came to my conclusion that as long as I could return to this moon, I would never go hungry. I would never run out of resources. I could even buy a brand new spaceship with this kind of money!
Then I realized Solba could buy her own spaceship. Suddenly the money felt like molten lead in my account. I needed to get rid of it as fast as I physically could. But I knew that would do nothing to keep Solba with me. She would buy her own ship and carry on with her journey, as she was expected to. Much to my surprise, however, once we had received our units, she returned to my ship. At first, I expected her to make an offer for it, but once she dropped into the pilot's seat and motioned for me to join her, I was thoroughly confused. Did she want to forgo her journey in favor of mine? I couldn't imagine why, seeing as how we hadn't talked much about what we wanted from our journeys. Was she even aware that she was supposed to be heading somewhere? That thought struck me deep as we traveled together through the star system. Did she even know about her own species? What kind of precedent she had set out for her? Had this poor Traveler suffered some kind of memory loss? It made me feel entirely sad for her, and my need to explain only grew. But my fear of what she would do when she found out struck deeper. My own selfishness grew to new heights.
No, I can't keep this from her. It would not only be against ancient decrees from multiple species' histories, but now against my own moral code. It went against the very reason why I picked her up in the first place. I have to tell her. As we explored the rugged and desert-like landscape of Zeta-Quarto, an uneasy silence seemed to fall over us. Solba took to the Analysis Visor as usual, but there was a stunning lack of things around to scan. I spent my energy focusing on gathering materials I might need to craft upgrades. Given that I was about to buy a new ship, however, it was rather silly of me to do that. Rather, I should be making inventory space to transfer my items from the old ship to the new ship. Instead, I was pointing my mining beam at various succulents and the like, doing my best to ignore the elephant between us that only I seem to be aware of. It was only a matter of time before she found out, herself. Only a matter of time before she found a Monolith and discovered her destiny on her own. I figured instead of beating around the bush, she'd rather hear it from me.
Setting her down on a ridge by the star ship, I explained to her the possibility of purchasing her own star ship with the money she had received. She was visibly distraught; the thought had apparently not crossed her mind, or at least she did her best in making it seem like she hadn't thought about it. Can one become so involved in another, that they actually forget to think about themselves? Is that was love is? So self-destructive that one forgets they were ever just one, and instead becomes a piece? It seems like a scary emotion, one that an individual will die of if not careful. Furthermore, had I just hurt Solba by suggesting that she leave me? She calmed down the more I explained my reasoning, and reluctantly agreed that going our own paths was for the better. Her interest in exploration and documentation, while not exactly what I'm doing, parallel my interests in such a way that if either one of us were forced to do what the other wanted for a day, we ourselves would be bored. I take interest in travel, discoveries and acquiring the knowledge of Atlas and the sentient species, whereas Solba explained she was more concerned about the natural world, biomes and the species that lived in it. It was, as my mother would say, 'street smarts versus book smarts'. I have little knowledge of what that saying actually implies, but suppose this is what it would be talking about: the pursuit of two very different kinds of knowledge. The two of us pursued our own paths in such a way that would allow us to gaze upon each other, and will some day lead us in the same direction, but we were never to cross paths in the first place.
Reluctantly, we came to an agreement. Tomorrow Solba would purchase her own star ship and pursue her own path, remaining in this star system to document the wildlife before moving on in her own direction, whereas I would leave for the next Atlas Interface. The prospect of being alone again scares me, but in a sense it will also be refreshing. I will be left alone with my thoughts, allowing me to make more in-depth field reports. Perhaps I will take up studying the wildlife of the planets I pass, if only on the off-chance that one day Solba may find them too. But this galaxy is a vast one, and will not offer many more chances for us to meet again. It is likely that once I depart tomorrow, it will be good bye for good. There is a clenching in my gut, in my chest, as I write this. Coming to terms with loneliness is difficult, and with my conflicting emotions of Solba, it's no wonder I'm having a hard time. I can't help but wonder if this is what a broken heart feels like. It's vaguely familiar, and brings back sour memories of blue and red stars, a fading planet in the window...
I mustn't dwell on such thoughts. It hurts me physically in ways I do not think I can describe properly, or at least, do any justice to the feeling. Today should be a happy day filled with good memories of my time with Solba.
Hopefully I will not die of heartbreak come tomorrow.